A few weeks ago I was cleaning the mirrors in our bathroom because my children like to spit toothpaste on them. Target practice. Anyway this tall blonde guy followed me into the bathroom, too.
Perhaps I should stop here. Perhaps you are thinking one of two things:
“Wow. That is just a really monumentally bad way to start a blog post.”
Or maybe…
“Wow. YOUR KIDS TOO? WHAT IS WITH THE SPIT ON THE MIRROR, THING?”
Tall Blonde guy needed to, uh, use the facilities. I KNOW. I’m so sorry. But just stay with me, ok? And AS he made it kind of CLEAR that he needed to, uh, use those facilities, I did this:
“What are you DOING? EW. Get OUT of HERE. THIS IS JUST NOT ACCEPTABLE. WE ARE NOT THIS! THIS IS NOT US! WE ARE NOT THE PEOPLE WHO USE THE FACILITIES TOGETHER! I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOUUUUUUU JUST GO AWAAYYYYYYYY.”
Blonde guy backed away slowly. He looked confused. He often looks confused but that’s because he’s married to me. And he said, “You know me. I’m your husband. Brian. Remember?”
And I said, “I can’t even remember your eye color, and now you’re all Mr. Bodily Functions on me? The last time we spoke was two weeks ago about weather stripping the windows. It was such a horribly boring conversation that we both gave up in the middle of it and started eating cookies instead. So, now, we are like carb-loaded ships on the night, I tell you. You are Offsides in the Bathroom Ship.
Ship #2: Dude, using a football metaphor for my ship name? That is so romantic.
Ship #1: And I am Repetitive and Rather Shrill Ship!
OITB Ship: Yes. That makes a lot of sense.
RSS Ship: But, seriously, the last time I tried to actually connect with you was during Blue Bloods and I feel asleep in the first five minutes even before The Mustache showed up and I AM BEREFT. BEREFT OF A HUSBAND I TELL YOU. I’M GOING TO KEEP USING ALL CAPS FOR A WHILE NOW.
This fascinating back and forth went, well, back and forth for quite a bit, until the bad Bathroom Ship did this:
HE TOOK ME HERE:
IT’S NOT JUST A ROAD WITH NICE CLOUDS. IT IS A BED AND BREAKFAST I WAS SO EXCITED.
AND THERE WERE THESE GUYS:
AND ALSO THEN WE WENT TO THIS TOWN:
WHERE I ATE PIZZA WITH SMOKED DUCK AND FIG JAM AND A SLICE OF BUTTERSCOTCH PIE AS BIG AS YOUR HEAD AND YES CAPS HERE TOO BECAUSE FOOD.
AND ALSO I READ AN ENTIRE BOOK AND NAPPED AND THEN WATCHED CHRISTOPHER WALKEN IN A JAMES BOND MOVIE. AND NO ONE INTERRUPTED ME. NOT ONCE.
We are no longer ships in the night. We know each other’s names again. This is always a good thing especially when you’ve been married for ten years.
Also, did you notice? Not once did I mention the children in this entire post. That’s a first. Did you know that we had children? Two, in fact. And we had them because we actually HAD conversations with each other at one point! Also, Lord love them, they are very cute but HOLY HECK LEAVING THEM WAS SO AWESOME.
And no, we didn’t just abandon them with some extra ham sandwiches and well wishes. They were well cared for, by Grandpa.(Translation: Spoiled rotten.)
Our children? They are most definitely NOT ships in the night. They do not pass by anyone undetected. Ever. I think of them more like small tanks with questionable hygiene.
Oh, and also this:
Happy Anniversary, sweet husband. I believe ten years is celebrated with a gift of tin or aluminum. This trip? Priceless.
